3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
