I bet he comes in French.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
