if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
