Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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