my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
