I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
