I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
