i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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