Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
