omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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