A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
