were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
