watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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