sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
