she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
