I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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