I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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