if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
