I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
