Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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