You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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