If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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