Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
