here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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