Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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