I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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