no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
