Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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