whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize
