Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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