you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
