I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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