she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I party with great urgency now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
