I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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