Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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