the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My hand turned me down
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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