cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
