After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
