just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
