I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
