I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
