ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
