one word: firstdatebathroomanal
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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