I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
