He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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