I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
