if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
