just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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