Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
