U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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