its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
